Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

I hurt.

Physically, I hurt. Of course I hurt. My knee is healing slowly but surely. All things considered, I am actually surprised and pleased at the progress that I have made and am continuing to make. I have a long way to go, but I am able to look at the whole situation in a positive light. It will get better and I’ll have a cool scar to show my grandchildren. It may not be the best souvenir I could have brought home from my summer in the sun, but it certainly is a conversation piece. It simply adds character to my already quite distinguished personality. The pain is a small price to pay to be healthy. The pain is tolerable…the physical pain anyway.

Emotionally, I hurt. Existentially, I hurt. Spiritually, I hurt. Never would I have imagined that it would be this hard. Truth be told, I didn’t think it would be difficult at all. I suppose I just assumed that I would transition from one lifestyle to another and do so with grace and poise and never even have the desire to look back. Well, it turns out that when you’ve spent your entire life working and fighting, sacrificing and saving, aching and longing, dreaming for one singular thing only to have it slip away then that transition couldn’t possibly be a smooth one. I look back at where I’ve been and I look ahead to where I will never be and quite simply, I hurt.

When I was playing little league baseball there was a father on our team who I know for a fact was the only 6^th grader to make the baseball team at his middle school. The only one! This man was probably 40 years old but strutted like a peacock everywhere he went because he and only he made that team as a 6^th grader. He told anyone and everyone who would listen. I promised myself I would never be that man; that I would never allow myself to be that man. Maybe he didn’t realize how ridiculous his statement was, but it was just as crazy as it sounds here. Everyone who heard this man’s story, which was quite possibly every person in west Jefferson parish, gave him a patronizing smile and snickered as soon as he turned around. He was completely consumed in pride over something he did when he was maybe 11 years old. Maybe if he set a state rushing record or won a state championship, but to brag about making a junior high baseball team….dude, get a life.

He was stuck in the past, the ancient past, but at least he had something to be proud of. I look back and I see very little to be proud of; all I see is failed opportunities. I turned down 2 schools that would have been an absolutely dream to play for; one of which was my actual dream school. Literally, it was the school that I grew up dreaming to play for. I look back and I know that if I had just made better decisions; if I had just followed my heart; done what I KNEW I should have then I could have something to look back on and be proud of. I could have something to look back on and smile. I could have a place to take my children and say to them, “This is what I was a part of.” Instead, I look back and all I see is failure. I see screw-ups and mistakes. I see decisions made based on fear and ignorance. I see failed opportunities to be a part of something that would have been the experience of a lifetime. I see scars all over my body that are an ever present reminder of exactly what I missed out on. I see no lifelong friendships. I see no championship rings. I don’t even see any pictures hanging on the walls. All I have to remember my college baseball career is a few home run balls, some fading t-shirts, a broken down body, and the knowledge that I legitimately had the potential to be and do something great and now there is no way that I will ever be able to be anything close to that. I look at myself and all I see is me, hurting.

I realized that I was turning into just a different version of the former 6^th grade phenom, just worse. I wasn’t just wrapped up in the past, but consumed by past regrets. You just want to sit there and punch yourself, scream at yourself, punish yourself for being so stupid. “If you had just done the right thing!” internally you scream. You want to know why God didn’t guide you, direct you in the right path, show you what to do. The more you think about it the more then the more you obsess over it. The more you are consumed by it the angrier you become until finally you look at yourself and all there is to see is a bitter person lost to regret and remorse. You're completely unable to offer anything to anyone; you're a waste of a life. I realized that I had allowed myself to become bitter. I just knew that my life has been unfair and I deserve better and so I have been filled with bitterness, bit by the proverbial bitter bug.

I know I’m not the only one. I don’t think there is a single person who doesn’t look back on their past without some regret, some pain, some disappointment. The motto, “No regrets!” is a lie, plain and simple. We all have them and they can either destroy us or we can allow God to use them to take us where He wants us. There are people all across the world who have briefly contemplated the possibilities of time travel because of things in their past that still cause them pain; pain that’s just as real and just as fresh as the moment the wound was inflicted. Pain that still drops us to our knees, racks us with sobs, and fills us with despair, and overflows us with sadness. Maybe you failed out of school and are now permanently labeled a screw-up. Maybe you had an affair and in one night threw away a marriage that was supposed to last a lifetime. Maybe you gambled all your money away or poured it down your throat with beer cans and bottles of wine. Maybe you got behind the wheel when you shouldn’t have and now one family’s life will never be the same. Maybe you got into a fight with a best friend, or a brother, or a sister and said some things you never should have said and now you’ll never be able to take them back. Maybe you didn’t go see your mom when you were told to and now you’ll never see her again. Maybe you didn’t go see your son’s baseball game or your daughter’s dance recital and now the time for making memories is over and their disappointed, tear-stained face is all you can see every time you close your eyes. Maybe you didn’t kick a bad habit when you still had the chance and now you have a disease that you’ll never get rid of. Maybe after one night of passion you now have a living, breathing thing that is completely dependent on you and will now be your whole life whether you like it or not. Maybe you didn’t show her that you loved her and now you have to live knowing that somebody else is making her happier and loving her more than you ever could. Maybe you made one mistake that you will pay for for the rest of your life. Maybe you sent one text, said one word, did one thing that you’ll never be able to take back. Maybe somebody hurt you; did something to you that replays itself over and over in your mind. Maybe your parents divorced. Maybe someone you loved died. Maybe you were diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. Maybe you went through something that you were completely unprepared for and you haven’t been able to deal with it. Maybe you’ve been through and experienced one of a million different things that has caused you to be filled with regret. Maybe you’re angry. Maybe you’re bitter.

Maybe you hurt.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”

Genesis 50:20

I heard the story of Joseph and his beautiful technicolor coat countless times. I heard it over and over probably beginning in pre-K Sunday School (logically, shouldn’t that be called Sunday preschool?) and continuing on to sermons from the pulpit, but I had never really heard this verse from the end of the story in the last chapter of Genesis (I love it when God reveals something to me from something that I thought you knew backwards and forwards; it just shows how awesome He is and how little I know, but I digress). If there was anybody who had a reason to be bitter it was Joseph. From birth, he lived a charmed existence during which he has these dreams where all of his brothers bow down before him. He must have thought that with the way things were going and with these dreams he was having that life was going to be pretty sweet. Turns out, it was anything but. First, his brothers hate him because he's their father’s favorite so they throw him into a pit so that they wouldn’t have to physically kill him. Then, they decide that instead of leaving him to die they should sell him into slavery so that his blood will not be on their hands. He goes and actually prospers as a slave being given control of his master’s entire household. Then when things are beginning to look up for young Joseph he gets falsely accused of rape and is thrown into prison. While he’s in prison he is given responsibility over all the prisoners and the prison itself. He helps out one of the king’s attendants by interpreting a dream and the man promises to get Joseph out of jail, but forgets until two whole years later when he’s finally released from prison and promptly named second in command over the entirety of Egypt so that he could oversee the land during the coming feast and famine. He was 17 when he was sold into slavery and he was 30 when he was released from prison. That means his freedom was denied him for 13 years. He was just a teenager when it happened, do you think he understood why any of this was happening? Do you think he thought that his life was unfair? Do you think that he regretted not having a better relationship with his brothers? Do you think that by year 12 he probably thought that he would never escape from this lifestyle of slavery and prison? Most people would have given up, but not Joseph and there’s one very important reason why. No matter where Joseph went the Bible says that the Lord was with Joseph and you know what? The Lord is with you and has been all along whether you realize it or not.

The fact is, through it all, Joseph remained faithful and it is this faith that he shows to his brothers over 20 years later when they are nearly starving to death and they come to him to ask for food. He doesn’t look at them with anger. He doesn’t have even an ounce of bitterness or hatred when he looks at them. All he says is that God took something so terrible and made it into something altogether perfect. If he hadn’t been sold into slavery he never would have been put in charge of Potiphar’s house. If he had never been accused of rape by Potiphar’s wife then he never would have been in prison. If he had never been in prison then he could have never interpreted the king’s cupbearer’s dream who made it possible for Joseph to interpret Pharaoh’s dream. If he had not been there to interpret Pharaoh's dream then he would have been put in charge of the entire land of Egypt and millions of lives would have been lost. If Joseph had never been through the pain then he never would have been in a position to change the world. All the pain, all the doubts, all the suffering, all the sacrifice, all the hurting was all worth it. In fact, it wasn't just worth it. I know he wouldn’t have it any other way.

God sent me this message exactly when I needed it. I was laying up, recuperating from knee surgery and my knee was hurting and my heart was aching. I was consumed with self pity and regret and bitterness and an all encompassing sadness that washed over me and threatened to suffocate me. But God showed me with one verse that I had probably read 50 times that if I had never hurt my ankle I never would have gone to Samford. If I had chosen to go anywhere but Samford I never would have gone to Delgado. If I hadn’t gone to Delgado I would have never gone to UNLV. If I hadn’t have hurt my shoulder at UNLV I would have gone back for another year and never would have gone to Laredo. If I hadn’t gotten released from Laredo I never would have gone to Macon to play for the Pinetoppers. If I had never gone to Macon I never would have had been in the exact right spot doing the exact right thing at the exact right time to be blessed with the amazing ministry that is the Orlando Freedom. Maybe, just maybe God has brought me through all this just so that just like Joseph I could save the lives of many. There’s more if’s and never’s than I can begin to wrap my mind around; more coincidences that God has orchestrated than I could ever realize, but just know this: All the pain, all the doubts, all the suffering, all the sacrifice, and all the hurting was all worth it. In fact, it wasn't just worth it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

With that in mind I no longer hurt.

I smile.