All About the Love

Apparently I will be playing a substantially diminished role with the Pinetoppers. I have to come to realize, however, that perhaps that's not such a bad thing.

If you remember, we play at the same ballpark every day and now we play the exact same team every single day, but we are the only team that represents Macon and so we are permanently the home team. This means that we always get to hit last; we get to show up to the ballpark later; we get the better dugout; we get the better locker room; we get the better helmets; we get asked to sign autographs; we get songs played for us as we walk up to bat and during batting practice; and we get to be cheered for on a regular basis. Trust me, I realize how completely unfair this is to the Albanidgeville Robins Capital Quail Aviators (that would be the other 3 teams combined into one away team); however, I am just a player with no voice with which to speak to the powers that be. Besides, seeing as how I wound up on the good side of the deal I have chosen not to dwell upon the injustices of the Peach State League as a whole and instead concentrate on making the most of my unique opportunity and have the best experience possible as a Macon Pinetopper.

Tonight was my first opportunity to really get the "home team" experience. Saturday nights at Luther Williams Field are really a lot of fun. The seats are filled and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this may very well be the best crowd I've ever played in front of. When the fans show up, they are completely and totally into the game unlike anywhere else I've been. It may just be a thousand people but they cheer like they're at least five times that size...really pretty cool.

That's not my favorite part, though. The best part is that this ballpark is absolutely crawling with kids. Every single one of them wants to give you a high five, cheer for you, talk to you, and most of all, beg for baseballs. There is no telling how many baseballs I gave away tonight. Since I was never told not to I can claim ignorance, but I had to have single-handedly caused a ball shortage in the Peach State League tonight. After the game there was a huge hula hoop contest on the field which I just had to get in on even though I lost miserable though I will say I probably performed better than anyone in the park would have imagined beforehand. I even got to save the little girl who eventually won it when her hula hoop broke. She was hooping along when the thing just plain busted and she was seconds away from busting into tears when I flew in and saved the day with a new hula hoop. We then had a surprisingly impressive fireworks show followed by meeting and signing autographs and taking pictures with hundreds of fans young and old down on the field. In a span of maybe twenty minutes I had a chance to make hundreds of people smile and feel special and I have been on an absolute emotional high ever since. Seriously, how amazing is that? Just by smiling at someone and being kind I might have made a hundred people's day. That is just plain ridiculous! That, not being a hall of famer or an all-star, is the real dream come true. I may not be playing every day or even every other day, but I can honestly say I have never enjoyed playing baseball as much as I am right now.

Baseball and I have always had a love-hate relationship, but tonight it's all about the love.

A Fork in the Base Path

Sit and listen as I tell a tale that I really wish I could have made up.

I've always thought of myself as a storyteller. Ever since I was a child I had a penchant to tell stories, to weave facts together in a tapestry that captures the interest and imagination of an audience. Over the years I have developed and honed this skill into an art and it has certainly been of substantial benefit when speaking in front of crowds. I just needed a story to tell. In the past, I'd been disappointed that others could stand up and tell stories about their salvation experience that really made you take notice of the fact that God can really save anyone anywhere anytime. I heard stories about how a person was as lost as they could be but they were still found by a loving and caring God and I was jealous of their ability to draw from their experience to tell a story. Saying it now, how stupid is it that I was jealous of someone else for having to endure of life of misery and of sin just so they could tell a story? It's really kind of sick. Well, I don't need to feel silly jealousies any longer. Lately, it really seems like the Father has seen fit to give me more stories than I would have asked for and despite all my practice and ability I seriously doubt that I have the skill necessary to spin this particular yarn.

At 9 o'clock Monday morning two lists were posted showing the new rosters for the Peach State League. This list would basically determine if I would ever really get my shot. This league was my last chance to do what I had always dreamed of. I didn't sleep the night before. I knew that I was good enough to play at this level and at the next, but something didn't feel right. For whatever reason I had very little confidence that my name was going to be on that list and there really wasn't a single reason for me to not be on that list, but I had a sinking feeling all the same. I lay in bed and waited trying to convince myself that I was worrying for nothing. God had His hand on me and I would be just fine. At 9 o'clock I climbed out of bed and slowly walked down the three flights of stairs to find the list that had all of my hopes and dreams, my entire baseball career written on it. I read the list of players for the one team and then the other. I read the lists again. And again. My name was not on the list. This dream had been ripped away from me and then it was miraculously given back to me and now there I stood feeling as though I had just been hit by a train. I stood there and stared at the list as a wave of emotions rolled over me. This couldn't be happening. There is no way they could keep me from playing. There is no way God could allow this to happen. But there was no mistaking that, yes, it did happen and I was no longer a baseball player.

Numb, I headed back upstairs to shower. I got out of the shower and just started to pack. I've never packed so quickly in my entire life. I threw everything I had into my suitcase and a duffel bag; gave away my refrigerator; threw everything into my car; said some good-byes; and I left. I was angry, disappointed, confused, depressed, and disillusioned. Yet again in my life, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew exactly where I was and where I was headed and once again, life had beaten me to the ground and left me there bleeding and crying. The drive home lasted 5 hours. I had 5 hours to sit and do nothing but drive and think and all I could think of was why and what now? I knew I would get through it and come out standing up tall and proud, but all I could think of is if I can't even do this then who's to say anything else will work out? Maybe I'm just a failure. Maybe I'm just destined to never live up to any of the potential that lives within me. Maybe I'm just a waste of a life...worthless. And for the last fifteen minutes of my drive home I wept uncontrollably beating the steering wheel as I was racked by sobs that had stubbornly waited years and years to fall. I wept for every time I failed. I wept for every time I had been disappointed. I wept for every failed relationship. I wept for all the people I've disappointed. I wept for what had amounted to 23 years wasted.

I pulled in my driveway and turned my car off, but I couldn't get out. As soon as I got out and I entered my home then it would really be over. I don't know how long I just sat there wishing I could just crawl into a hole and hide. My mom finally came out to check on me and I saw the hurt in her face as she saw my face swollen from crying and she came over and did the only thing she knew to do. She hugged me. And in that moment I was no longer a 23 year old man I was just a little boy being held by his momma.

Finally, I made my way into the house. I opened the door; took one step inside; and was frozen by a vibration in my pocket...my phone was ringing. Frozen with one foot inside the door I looked down at my phone and saw a number I didn't recognize. I answered the phone and for the second time that day I was left breathless. They had made a mistake. I was supposed to stay and when I didn't show up for the meeting they checked the list and found that I had been accidentally left off. They wanted to know where I was and when I told them I was home they asked if I would be willing to drive back. Without hesitation, I answered yes. I would miss the game the next day because it was at 10:30, but I would be there on Wednesday for the game at 7. I hung up the phone and looked at my mom who had just come in and all I could do was just laugh. Not because it was funny; it wasn't funny until later, but because after this emotional roller coaster day, laugh was the only thing I had left to do to.

So, I'm back in Macon and now I'm a Pinetopper. I'm actually playing for the home team and I get my own locker and everyday I'm asked to sign autographs and shake hands and catch ceremonial first pitches. But, most importantly, I learned one very important thing; relearned I suppose I should say because it was something I knew all along just forgot. I again realized that God is in control of my life and that no matter where I go or what I'm doing, He will always be there. Life punches hard. It will throw everything it's got and then some and the only way to take the hits is to trust in the Lord. The only thing that will never change is that everything changes...everything except God.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God is my rock in whom I take refuge.

Psalm 18:2

A Sleepless Night

A lot has happened in the few days since my last blog post...a whole lot.

First, the good news. yesterday (Saturday) I went 3 for 5 with 2 RBIs in my game against Warner Robbins. I have been seeing the ball exceptionally well and I knew it was only a matter of time and sure enough I broke out getting 3 hits in my last 3 at-bats. It's a good day when you double your season hit total and it felt good...extremely good. And then the floor fell out from under my feet.

It was no secret that the league was struggling. All you needed to do was look at the attendance numbers to know that the league wasn't exactly raking in cash, but I don't think any of us knew how bad it really was. After the game, Eddie (our manager) sat us down in the clubhouse and he basically told us that the league was going to be making some changes. Instead of having 4 teams the league was going to condense to 2 teams; the Macon Pinetoppers and then another team that will play the role of the other 3 teams depending on who Macon is supposed to play. First, this means that some players will be going home. They're expanding to a 30 man roster, but there would still be far too many players for just 2 teams. Second, this means that the Albany Quails as we know it will cease to exist. I have grown to like this ragtag group of guys that make up my team. While it is true that they often drive me completely insane we've grown into a family and our family is being forced to break up and it hurts a little bit. I've never been one to have a lot of friends and I haven't done a very good job of maintaining the friendships I did have, but I felt like some real friendships were growing and it is extremely disappointing to face the prospect of losing people that now call friends. More than that, however, I'm scared that I'm going to have to go home.

If I didn't love baseball life would be so much easier. My body would have far fewer scars and I would probably have a degree from an Ivy League school. I have chased a dream and it has hurt me time and time again and I just feel like when they post the new rosters in 5 hours or so that I'm just going to be burned one more time again. I just want to play baseball. I just want the opportunity to play and see if I sink or swim. I don't feel like I've gotten that opportunity yet, especially not here where I only have 27 at-bats in 17 games. In my entire lifetime I have now caught 10 and a half games. The number of games I've caught in the Peach League: 10. I know in my heart and in my mind that I can succeed in this game I just need to be given the chance. On top of that, I've been shown what kind of absolutely amazing ministry opportunities come with being a baseball player and they only get bigger and better from here. That excites me more than anything else. I know I'm not the only one, but I just want my shot. Honestly, is that too much to ask?

I find out in the morning. I've done well recently, but I just hope that it wasn't too little too late. All I know is that God has an amazing plan for me and that if I wake up and don't find my name on that list then there's something in store for me, again, that is beyond my wildest dreams.

On a side note, if the ride is over at least I went out going 3 for 3.

Living for the Moment

Life is full of great moments. Usually when we recall great moments in our lives we think of monumental occasions...birthdays, weddings, promotions, big successes or perhaps in my case championships and such. However, I truly believe that the greatest moments in life are ones that we barely even remember 6 months down the road. Sometimes we find ourself in need of encouragement and support. We may not even know it but we could be dangerously close to reaching a point where we can no longer move forward in our lives or maybe we're just one step away from slipping into depression and then from somewhere completely unexpected we find exactly what we needed to sustain us and to help us persevere.

I know a little something about perseverance. In the past 5 years my life has been filled with things that I had to push through in order to get to a more important part of my life. In high school right before the Major League draft I found myself in a wheelchair after having to have an ankle reconstruction. I had my faith tested while surrounded by hypocrisy and lies at Samford University my freshman year. After leaving Samford I missed two seasons when my thumb virtually detached itself from my hand. And then, again, at UNLV after being completely disappointed with my situation bad turned worse when I severely dislocated my shoulder completely tearing my labrum and needing 5 screws to anchor my shoulder in place. And this is just the short list. Time after time I was forced to face adversity head on and each time I somehow prevailed. In retrospect, I realize that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I hold firm to the idea that God used each twist and turn to mold me into the unique child of God that I am. But, on top of that, I believe that God sent me moments, moments that I don't even remember, to help me to persevere.

In my last blog I wrote about the frustrations I've been having with the league and with my own performance on the baseball field. I was beginning to be consumed with worry that I wouldn't be able to turn it around and that, basically, all this effort would be wasted because noone is going to pick up a 23 year old catcher hitting under the Mendoza Line (under .200...google it). In my heart I knew this was the wrong mentality to have, but when baseball is all you do and all you think, you can't help but live and die by the crack of the bat. However, when I needed it the most God sent me a moment that helped to pull me out from the pit I was quickly digging myself and He did it in ways both completely obvious and unpredictable and then in ways I still can't wrap my little brain around.

I went to church on Sunday. I had the day off and I was excited to get to worship somewhere, anywhere. We had called the Director of Missions, a man named Bob Franklin, to see if there were any ministry opportunities for me here in Macon while I was playing. He invited my family and I to attend church with him at Tabernacle Baptist Church on July 4th. We showed up and everyone was extremely friendly just like a good Southern Baptist church should be. Bob spoke briefly telling the church about an honor they had received at the annual convention. Then he decided to let the congregation know that among them that morning was a professional baseball player. He personally recognized me in front of the 300+ person congregation. I am not a person easily embarrassed and I don't think I have ever actually blushed...I can now say that my first blush was at Tabernacle Baptist Church. The service was fantastic; good music and great preaching. The pastor wanted me to give him a sample of me preaching. After church, we were invited to have some serious down home southern cooking at the Franklins' home. It was exactly what I needed. I got to spend the afternoon immersed in the love of God. Bob Franklin was beyond encouraging and the whole afternoon was just a complete blessing. Every time that I get to talk about my calling with someone else who has experienced the same call it just reaffirms what I know the Lord has planned for me. It is my hope and my prayer that first I can remain in contact with Mr. Franklin and second that he can make me very busy for the remainder of my time in Macon. I honestly believe that the more I serve the Lord the better I'll do on the ballfield.

We played the next day and before the game Rick Wade, the coach of the Milledgeville Capitals and I were talking when he completely floored me by saying that the night before the Lord laid it on his heart that after the game the two teams should meet together on the field and pray. Sure enough, after the game we met in front of the pitcher's mound and there were only three people who chose not to come. That means that there were about 40 guys kneeling together on our respective field of play and going to God together. It was a new experience for me, one that made me proud and humble at the same time. Rick asked if anyone wanted to lead the prayer and I volunteered. I prayed for no more than a minute earnestly thanking God for this amazing opportunity. Being able to do that and feel comfortable doing that was just such an amazing feeling, something I've waited my entire baseball career for. After the prayer I was able to have conversations with teammates about their own prayers, their church experiences, and just their general faith. Once again, this whole experience took on a brand new meaning. My team and really this entire league is filled with Christians or at least guys that are on the fence about their faith. The best mission field I have is the locker room. Maybe this is one of the biggest reasons I'm even here to be available to my teammates and to show them the love of Christ. Things just continue to take new meaning. My eyes were opened to a whole new purpose for me being here.

Definitely a moment sent by God.

On a side note, I've continued to hit well and I just know that any game now I will break out and then there's no looking back...hopefully soon.

A Little Frustrated

It feels like I'm barely playing now that we have another catcher and we switch off every game. If we play 6 games in a week then I'm only playing 3 and neither of the two of us gets to hit on our days off. When you haven't seen live pitching in over a year you need at-bats to get your eyes back, get your timing back, and just get your swing back in general. We're two weeks in and I only have 20 at-bats. Whatever strides I make in one day are basically dashed because I have to sit out the next day. I can't get in a rhythm, I can't build on what I did yesterday, and I largely don't get to take any batting practice. It's just getting a little frustrating. Everyone's goal is to get out of this league and into one that is bigger and better; me included. And when you only have 20 at-bats after 12 games, who's going to really look at that and who could actually assess my ability as a ballplayer based on stats that don't tell the whole story at all. The frustration is twofold though. I have only 20 at-bats and statistically I've been largely unsuccessful in those at-bats and when it looks like I'm going to only get 80 at-bats this year I can't help but begin to worry that I'm digging myself a hole I can't get out of.

To be honest I came in to this whole experience with doubts. I doubted that I would be able to compete after being out of the game. I had doubts that after so many injuries and surgeries that my body would be able to hold up. I even had doubts that this is even what I truly wanted. What I have discovered is that I can definitely play at a much higher level; I have been almost shocked at how well my body has held up thus far; and finally, I now know that I want this more than I ever have before. I honestly cannot adequately describe how much I want this and how much this means to me. For the first time in I can't even tell you how long when I get up to head to the field I'm genuinely excited and happy even when our games are played at 10am in front of a maximum of 10 people. It's like I've become reacquainted with an old friend...like a romance rekindled. It just feels right. Perhaps it's just that the whole experience has taken on a new meaning; that I see baseball with a new set of eyes. It's no longer just a game and it's no longer a matter of winning and losing, succeeding and failing. It's become a gift from God...literally every time I step onto the field it is a gift from God and God wants us to use the gifts He gives to glorify Him. Perhaps if I can keep that in mind and keep that perspective that will take away much of the frustration, the anxiety, and the worrying.

"It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game."
...this saying takes on a new meaning, doesn't it?